Zippidy Doo Da

I'm not stupid, I'm from Texas!

Sunday, December 31, 2006

Marine Report

You may remember the predations of Jean Floche, the mad dolphin that terrorized the French Riviera last summer. Now the crazed cetaceans have opened up a second front in New Zealand. This from the Melbourne Herald Sun….
A WOMAN crushed by a 300kg bottlenose dolphin that jumped into a boat off New Zealand's North Island remains in a critical condition.
Kelly James, 27, whose parents live in Australia, was knocked unconscious and suffered severe chest injuries in the Boxing Day mishap.
Ms James went into cardiac arrest as she was waiting for a helicopter to take her to hospital.
-Something to remember next time you venture into salt water. As Lenny Bruce pointed out, dolphins don’t push drowning people to shore to save them, they just like pushing people around. We just never hear from all the people the dolphins push out to sea.
Why do they hate us? Maybe they hate our freedom. Who knows what they’re saying with their whistling and chattering. And maybe when you see them porpoising, they’re not trying to entertain us, it’s their way of flipping us off. I, for one, intend to eat more tuna. Take that, Flipper.

Saturday, December 30, 2006

Saddam Executed

Well, now he’s gone to hell with Karla Faye Tucker. Maybe they’ll save a place for W.
Don’t you get the feeling that this is just going to be another illustration of the law of unintended consequences? And why do I still look for people in the administration to pay attention and face reality? This bunch of lame ducks are going to keep trying to sell the same old shit untill "we the people" give 'em the bum's rush. And what did we prove with this quickie hanging in the dead of night? That we're barbarians too. Somebody said if you want to be listened to in the mid-east, you have to speak in terms of conspiracy. All right, that wasn’t Saddam they hung today.
It was one of the doubles. The real Saddam had an extreme make-over and now goes by the name of Taylor Hicks. You heard it here first.

Friday, December 29, 2006

'07 Predictions

At last my 2007 predictions. It took a while because my prognostications require me to repair to the dome of contemplation. In a trance, I stare endlessly into a roiling cauldron of chicken soup until visions of the future appear. Behold!

1. An e-coli vaccine allows children to eat their spinach;

2. Raccoon coats return to style under the P-Diddy label, "Rake";

3. Everyone has sex except you, and Kathleen Lopez;

4. Everyone is gay except you, and didn't tell because they thought you'd freak out;

5. Doug McLure becomes a superstar postumously;

6. "Fredricks of Hollywood for Kids" becomes the rage of the smart set under 12;

7. "Christine Aguilera's Songs for Christ (On My Knees to Receive His Love)" hits #1, wins Grammy;

8. Tom Cruise devoured by Komodo Dragons while filming (ham suit blammed);

9. George Bush declares National Day of Positive Hand Clapping - national media deems "bold" and "decisive"; and,

10. Millions lose weight with the Fruit Tamale Diet, only to suffer later from mysterious galbladder illness.

Thursday, December 28, 2006

From Beyond the Grave

“I don’t think I would have gone to war.”
“Rumsfeld, and Cheney and the president made a big mistake in justifying going into the war in Iraq.”
-Former president Gerald Ford, in a 2004 interview with Bob Woodward.
I think what strikes me most is that he said this two years ago, back when most of the country was still giving Bush’s policies the benefit of a doubt. Ford wasn’t the only grownup who disagreed with the Bushites but didn’t speak out. Does party loyalty compel mute assent while the country marches off to disaster? That’s insane.
The army’s Major H. R. McMaster last year published “Dereliction of Duty: Johnson, McNamara, the Joint Chiefs of Staff, and the Lies that Led to Viet Nam.”
This is an important book, but it came forty years too late.
It may take President Chucklehead forty years to see the light.
Let’s tell our new congress to shut ‘er down and bring ‘em home.

Wednesday, December 27, 2006

What's Come Over Robert Talton?

I was living in his district a few years before I’d even heard of him. This “extreme social conservative” has been little noticed except by certain trial lawyers who found him friendly, probably because many of his constituents have been injured working in the local chemical plants and refineries. One theme of his tenure has been sex-related; whether the issue is education, reproductive health, birth control, or gay rights, he can be counted on to take the Rufus T. Firefly position, “I’m against it!”Maybe we can blame Texas Monthly’s naming him to their “10 Worst Legislators” list in 2003 for his sudden ambitious streak. The next thing I heard, he wanted to replace Tom DeLay as dist.22 rep. Now he wants to be Speaker of the Texas House. Could it be that he’s a stalking horse, put in to divide the opposition to Speaker Craddick?

Tuesday, December 26, 2006

Living In America

As I ponder the passing of the Godfather of Soul, saddened that another giant is gone forever, I decided to take a quick look at the business he left behind.

The Top 5 "Hot Christian Songs" (

Made To Love

Chris Tomlin
Made To Worship

Stand In The Rain

Jeremy Camp


The Top 5 (secular) CD's in the U.S. (

Young Jeezy
The Inspiration

Taylor Hicks
Taylor Hicks

Hannah Montana

Josh Groban

Carrie Underwood
Some Hearts

WTF? Is there any difference between them? The Christians sound more hardcore.

It is OK to cry.

Rest in peace James Brown

Friday, December 22, 2006

The Gibbs Report

I got a mailing today from my temporary congressman, Shelley Sekula Rodriguez Hungabunga ‘n McCormick Gibbs. Congresswoman Gibbs became a lame duck the moment she was sworn into office, and soon was the butt of jokes nationwide. Short of space tourism, or one of the late Malcolm Forbes gala affairs, her term in Congress may be one of the most expensive two-week vacations in history. Her service in the house may seem trivial when you consider that it took Rick Perry five months to concoct some partisan angle to necessitate a special election to send somebody to Washington for the last two weeks of the session, but I, for one, am grateful that I know who to call for a flag that flew over the US Capitol, should I decide that I need one. It’s also good to know who to call in case one of the kids change their mind and decide that they would like to be nominated to attend one of the service academies. Heck, without Tom DeLay to kick around, I just don’t know what to do with myself. Thank you Congresswoman Gibbs.

Thursday, December 21, 2006

The Night Sky

Houston is rightfully proud to be home to NASA and all the fine people that work there, but in some respects this pride is little more than lip service. One area where we fall short is in controlling light pollution. The International Space Station is the second largest object in the night sky, and should be visible to the naked eye, but that’s not the case in Clear Lake, home of the Johnson Space Center.
The station should be an inspiration to budding astronomers and space scientists, but you have to about drive out of town to show a youngster the big dipper these days.
I realize that it is taking generations to reduce the number of billboards along Texas highways, but we should be able to find the local fast food franchises without 100 foot tall signage. And why light up the drugstores when they’re on EVERY corner? Sweet Jesus, there’s a church in my neighborhood that’s visible from two miles away.
I propose that we use our public authority to tax and regulate local commerce to tone down the lights at night. I’m surprised that the cost of electricity hasn’t already done so. Outdoor signs are licensed by the City of Houston, and these licenses could be retired the same way we’re doing with shrimpboats. Are utility costs deductable as a business expense? Well, such deductions could be subjected to an energy audit. New streetlights could be required to be of a “downlight” design, and others scheduled for modification or replacement as feasible. Perhaps we could target particular areas for dimming, such as parks and other open spaces.
I realize that progress on this front may be on a timeline similar to a Nostradamus prediction, but that’s a good reason to get started now. If we can eliminate light pollution as we clean up our toxic air, the stars at night may again be big and bright…..

Tuesday, December 19, 2006


I drive the biggest damn car I can find. My 1971 Ford Galaxy 500 with a 351 Cleveland two barrel V-8 is what I drive right now. It is pistachio with a white top and lovely green interior. The exhaust manfold is cracked to make it roar beyond belief. The car loves to drive about 75-80, and so do I. The seat belts broke a long time ago. We call her Minty.

Before Minty, I drove an '84 Lincoln Town Car (Greeny); before that, an '84 Old's Delta 88 Supreme (Col. Cho), a '76 Chevy Impala for a while (Shamu), and even a '73 Buick Deuce & 1/4 (Shaft). My dream is to find a '68 Crysler New Yorker, the largest car ever made (19'6").

Is my penis small? Ask your mamma.

When I am making my way through town the looks on the faces of other drivers in all sizes of vehicles (built as strong as styrofoam coffee cups) can only be described as shock and awe. Do I intend to instill fear in others? No, it is merely preferable for the natural man to ride in the American wide body with its attendent comforts. Plus, isn't it better to recycle?

My reason for mentioning this is because the government is thinking all wrong in sending Humvees for our fighting men. Rather, I think they should be driven in '73 Cadilac El Durados, which are already heavily armored. The massive smoke trail these vehicles emit would disorient any trailing bad guys. A full squad could ride in the trunk, and a 50 caliber machine gun would mount nicely in the drink holder.

Furthermore, imagine a phalange of black '49 Ford Coupes roll up to the curb in a cloud of dust like California Highway Patrol, and a sweaty, wheezing Brodrick Crawford climbs out and pistol whips the first punk he sees with his 38 snub nose. How do you like that smart guy?

Sunday, December 17, 2006

Still Shooting the Messenger

First lady Laura Bush, never fully comfortable with the news media, took a sharp jab at the Fourth Estate over coverage of the war in Iraq during an interview last week with MSNBC.
"I do know that there are a lot of good things that are happening that aren't covered," she said. "And I think that the drumbeat in the country from the media, from the only way people know what is happening unless they happened to have a loved one deployed there, is discouraging."
Yeah, the liberal media never report all the good news… I remember Nixon and Agnew used to say the same thing before they left office in disgrace. Next, let’s hear Leon Panetta, he just went to Baghdad with the Iraq Study Group.
“Going into Baghdad, you have to wear a helmet and a flak jacket on the airplane, and we had to drop in a spiral descent from 10,000 feet, just to avoid missiles," Panetta said. "Then they put us onto helicopters to take us into the Green Zone, and we were still wearing our helmets and flak jackets, and there were attack helicopters firing flares in order to divert any heat-seeking missiles. So, that whole thing ... well, we suddenly realized that it really was a battle zone.”
"And at night, you could hear the helicopters coming in. And I asked what that was about, and they said they were delivering the wounded. So, you realize that Iraq is a very violent place," Panetta said.
And the news can be discouraging unless you have a loved one deployed there? Some of those troops we talk about supporting (with borrowed money) are on their third tour of duty over there. I can’t imagine how discouraging that must be to their loved ones.
Bring ‘em home.

Friday, December 15, 2006

Chupacabra Report

More news that gets my goat…

Did you see that the Christian Coalition elected a new president only to see him resign when he found that the group wasn’t interested in feeding the hungry or healing the afflicted but rather wanted him to focus on the scourges of abortion and gay marriage. Seems they got the wrong guy when they picked Orlando mega-church pastor Rev. Joel Hunter. Go figure, he wrote a book titled “Right Wing, Wrong Bird; Why the Tactics of the Religious Right Won’t Fly With Most Christian Conservatives”

And more Newspeak; the WaPo reports that the 11 million people who reported going hungry last year in America will now be described by the USDA as having “very low food security.” Are these bureaucrats and ideologues cynical or just clueless?

And newly-re-elected Gov. Rick Perry is no longer demagoging about fencing or mining the border with Mexico. What happened? Consider that his moneybags Bob Perry and Bo Pilgrim told the Dallas Morning News last summer that we “need foreign workers to keep the economy growing.” –Maybe their economy, myself, I’m looking for a better economic model than this self-serving babbitry. Economic democracy si, kleptrocracy no.

'06 Prognosticating

Here are my '06 predeictions from earlier this year. Let's see how I did:

1. The 1st kitchen garbage fueled vehicle will hit the scene, ironically driving the sales of more garbage;

2. The Iraq War causes severe military manpower shortages prompting the armed services to call up Korean/Vietnam era veterens with lures of free prescription medicines;

3. Home anus bleaching kits sweep the nation - home bleaching parties become the rage;

4. George Bush is revealled as the anti-christ through a series of NY Times puff pieces;

5. Mick Jagger shatters his hip in an on stage accident while performing in the Tri-City's;

6. The film redux of "My Mother the Car," starring Will Farrell smashes box office records;

7. "Face Transplants Gone Wrong," wins May '06 sweeps;

8. Texas adopts Biblical Law as its constitution, thus leaving prohibitions against sexy cheerleader gyrations off the books as favored by scripture;

9. Ralph Reed and Gary Bauer unite in the first celebrity gay marriage; and,

10. Lucy Hill crowned Best New Country Performer

Well, so much for anal bleaching, otherwise, I think I did pretty good.

Please share with us your '07 forecasts.

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Ciro Wins! (media expresses shock)

I have to tell you I was surprised that Ciro won given that he had little if any establishment support, and apparently, complicit media circulating bullshit poll numbers.

Evidently, Bonnila's campaign was so scummy, low-down, and sick that voters turned off to him in large numbers.

The Express News (whose lips are permanently attached to Tom Delay's ring) printed a lame post-mortum, which said in part:

For his part, Bonilla questioned Rodriguez's judgment over his support for repealing a law allowing the use of secret evidence in deportation cases, saying it would have led to the freeing of suspected terrorists, and for accepting a $250 contribution in 1998 from a man later convicted of illegal business transactions with Libya.

Andy Hernandez said Bonilla's accusation and the TV ad that followed might have hurt Bonilla, not Rodriguez. "It just wasn't credible."

No, pendejo's, his adds made people want to vomit.

EN is corpse humping again. Dudes, Republicans aren't popular anymore. Sorry.

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

He Thinks He's Back

Tom DeLay has a new website/blogspot at . Guess he needed a new base to shill from, His congressional site is gone, of course, ARMPAC and TRMPAC sites closed by order of the FEC, and I believe his defense fund site had to close when he ceased to be an elected official. He calls his new outfit “GAIN,” for “ Go After the Incredibly Naïve.” Dues are $52 a year, which says to me that the high rollers he used to tap aren’t returning his calls anymore. I read a couple of his posts. (yawn) The comments were more intriguing, not ALL fawning, some critical, others maybe disingenuous. Maybe we could go Lazlo Toth or Jon Swift on him. Remember that one of his sites last year was running a video clip of Stephen Colbert standing up for him. Maybe they didn’t get the joke? Hell, Danni Ferro used to send me e-mails announcing their meetings and rallys. This is a great opportunity for hoaxing, we could keep up his delusions till he gets to court next year.

Monday, December 11, 2006

Ho Ho Ho

The season is in full gear. I saw a wonderful kid's program Friday at Margil Elementary. I think dads out there, especially, should be sure to make those x-mas events at school. And be sure to help trim the tree, guys.

I am on my knees thanking Mr. & Mrs. Dos Pachangas for holding the annual Christmas Party this year. Huey Long showed up and we jammed on the blues until well-past 10:00. Great food and fellowship abounded (wink).

We support Blue Santa, Pancho Claus, Elf Marie, but there are many other worthy causes that need help. Please be generous this holiday season.

Friday, December 08, 2006

Feeling You

Driftwood collectively wishes to thank the following broadcasters for playing our music in 2006:

EFI Radio France "Roots Music" Show

Whole Wheat Radio, Alaska

KSYM 90.1 San Antonio

Texas Mix 98.7

Radio Free Texas

Happy 2007

Special thanks to John Conquest of 3rd Coast Music, Lucky and Jinelle at MyTexasMusic who have nurtured us and so many others. And Ray Wylie Hubbard.

Thursday, December 07, 2006


I was going to stay out of politics for a while, but this special election in TX23 has my ire up. A face off between Bonilla and Ciro is a dream contest between two politcal idealogues that spans the gap of very left and very right. Henry Bonilla has presided over the desintergration of goverment services in the one of most vulnerable parts of the U.S., and never once brought help to those south Texans most in need. S. Texans have answered the call for volunteers in the war on terror like no other group in America; they have fought and died as patriots like no other group in America, and HB has worked to slash VA benefits and facilities. He is a croney of the worst of the republican gangsters now in prison or waiting to go.

Yet, he is saturating the airwaves with challenges of Ciro's patriotism to the point of accusing him of coddling terrorists. What a shame! He is ten points up and looks as if he will win on a pack of lies. It makes hispanic voters look like stupid suckers. What's the matter with Kansas? The same thing here in S. Texas.

Try to help Ciro in any way you can.