Zippidy Doo Da

I'm not stupid, I'm from Texas!

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

Surge

I drive the biggest damn car I can find. My 1971 Ford Galaxy 500 with a 351 Cleveland two barrel V-8 is what I drive right now. It is pistachio with a white top and lovely green interior. The exhaust manfold is cracked to make it roar beyond belief. The car loves to drive about 75-80, and so do I. The seat belts broke a long time ago. We call her Minty.

Before Minty, I drove an '84 Lincoln Town Car (Greeny); before that, an '84 Old's Delta 88 Supreme (Col. Cho), a '76 Chevy Impala for a while (Shamu), and even a '73 Buick Deuce & 1/4 (Shaft). My dream is to find a '68 Crysler New Yorker, the largest car ever made (19'6").

Is my penis small? Ask your mamma.

When I am making my way through town the looks on the faces of other drivers in all sizes of vehicles (built as strong as styrofoam coffee cups) can only be described as shock and awe. Do I intend to instill fear in others? No, it is merely preferable for the natural man to ride in the American wide body with its attendent comforts. Plus, isn't it better to recycle?

My reason for mentioning this is because the government is thinking all wrong in sending Humvees for our fighting men. Rather, I think they should be driven in '73 Cadilac El Durados, which are already heavily armored. The massive smoke trail these vehicles emit would disorient any trailing bad guys. A full squad could ride in the trunk, and a 50 caliber machine gun would mount nicely in the drink holder.

Furthermore, imagine a phalange of black '49 Ford Coupes roll up to the curb in a cloud of dust like California Highway Patrol, and a sweaty, wheezing Brodrick Crawford climbs out and pistol whips the first punk he sees with his 38 snub nose. How do you like that smart guy?

2 Comments:

At 7:52 AM , Blogger Julia B. said...

Recycling is good.
Bicycling is better.
I remember a '68 New Yorker, greatest make-out ride ever.
It was a white convertable named "the whale."

 
At 5:11 PM , Blogger Nails said...

I had a friend once who drove a New Yorker. It was 19' 6" and he was 5' 0" in heels. Everyone wanted to ride in the back seat when he drove because it was like a living room back there with the front seat pulled way up so he could reach the pedals. We caught some guy dumping an old sofa one time. We knew where the dumper lived, so we piled this sofa up on the trunk of the New Yorker, which looks like a flat bed truck, and hauled it back to his house and dumped it back on his front lawn. There's some recycling for you.

 

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