They Send Letters

Office of Senator Dole
Alston & Bird LLP
The Atlantic Building
950 F Street N.W.
Washington, DC 20004-1404 USA
202-654-4848

January 28, 2008

Mr. Rush Limbaugh
%The Rush Limbaugh Show
1270 Avenue of the Americas
New York, NY 10020

Dear Rusty,

I know you hadn't heard from Bob Dole in a while, but I think you are fantastic, and I try to listen when I can, but by gosh I'm busy between walking the dog, and my naps here. Gee, your family is chalked full of federal judges, and fine lawyers, but you did just fine with the radio show, and all. I knew your dad, Rush, Sr. from back in W-W 2, and I go to tell you, he was one tough bastard; he was stuck in a plane crash in Burma once and chewed off his own foot. If that gets in your head a little, Rusty, what with your war deferment from an infected asshole and all, don't let it, Tiger. Sure, some people say your listeners are paranoid incontinent shut-ins, toothless brain-sick hillbillies, and retired viagra jockies, but I tell people that just because you broadcast endless adds for boner pills, hair cream and security locks, your listeners are great.

Speaking of pocket rockets, I heard you had some trouble with the little blue pills and a 15 year- old cabana boy down in Santa Domingo. I got to tell you as an old veteran of those little devils not to mess with them. I know I once said that those who cultivate moral confusion for profit should understand we will name their names and shame them as they deserve to be shamed, and all, but to hell with it. I walked around with a stiffy like a Kewanee elevator for weeks. Brittney laughed at Bob Dole, and Libby just reminded Bob Dole that her snatch blew away years ago. Dust in the wind, buddy.

I just wanted to set you straight on my dear friend and colleague, Sen John McCain. You ought to try to lighten up a little, if you can. I've known John a long time, and just because people say he's crazy as hell, and liable to bite your nose off, he's a pretty good egg. Don't let him near you, if you can. He can be a little rough; used to want arm wrestle all the time. He likes to win, that's a good thing. If something happened along the route and you had to leave your children with John McCain or Hillary Clinton, don't.

Take it easy.

Bob Dole