Help Wanted?

Pat Robertson’s assertion that most Halloween candy is prayed over by witches made me wonder about the rest of it. Seems to me that this is an opportunity for unemployed broomriders to find seasonal employment.

And while I’m on the subject of Halloween, let me remind young vandals meaning to observe the holiday by throwing eggs that now is the time to buy them so they have time to get good and ripe. Also remember to stock up on shaving cream to avoid shortages and price gouging.

A check of the commodities markets shows that pumpkin futures are through the roof this year. If this year’s drought finds you gourdless, remember that columnist Heloise, who by the way only looks like a witch, assures us that watermelons are an acceptable substitute for pumpkins. So you can go green this Halloween.