Press release:

The new Republican leadership in the House has notified the news agencies that it’s first initiative after gaining power will be a complete ban on the 21st century. One of its “young guns,” Eric Cantor, advanced the rationale.

“Up to this point our efforts to ignore the host of problems facing this country in the new century have focused on individual issues and consequently have put a drain on our best efforts to move us forward into the past, essentially spreading our efforts too thin. By simply banning the 21st century and any references to it we can systematically avoid dealing with any of the multitude of problems facing us as a nation and spare our constituency the headaches of contemplating the hard work that needs to be undertaken. I mean, really, the problems of this new century are simply overwhelming. We have looming peak oil, climate change, nations like China competing with us for resources, unstable political climates in most of the oil producing nations which we depend on, an overextended military in the Middle East trying to maintain hegemony and oil access, and a shaky unregulated finance industry teetering on collapse that could bankrupt the middle class and lead to a complete societal breakdown. Who wants to deal with that?

We’ve tried our best to prevaricate, dissimilate, play the outrage card, play the victim, point fingers, deny, ignore, shift blame, state utter bullshit as fact, and whatever dodgy methods we can come up with whenever legislation is proposed that might deal in a constructive way with such looming problems. The fact is there are simply too many problems and it’s far easier not to acknowledge their existence. That is why an outright ban on the 21st century makes sense. It frees our constituency to continue with the delusion that we can have a 1910 style government and still drive SUV’s to the mall, watch Maury and American Idol, and tell ourselves that we can live like gods forever if we just believe in the American Way.”

The news networks have reviewed this initiative very positively, calling it “brilliant”, “gutsy”, and “a bold new step into the past.”

-From ikalbertus on Crooks and Liars