A Few Words From Glenn Beck

Hey all you sick twisted freaks!

Let's take time out from calling mentally retarded people to humiliate them with fake contest prizes to talk about some deeper truths.

I was watching "That's So Raven" with my son yesterday. This was real son/dad time that are the great moments of life. Ever since I stopped snorting cocaine and became a Christian, between radio, TV, book deals, movies, promotions, and personal appearances all over the country, I always have time for my kids. During a commercial I surfed over to Headline News and blood shot out of my eyes. I shoved my son's head into the couch cushion so he wouldn't see the horror. City workers in Orlando found the broken, decomposed remains of Caylee Anthony!

This can only mean one thing: the end of civilization as we know it. I've been telling everyone to get ready. We need a society to emerge from the rubble of our former world who can march into the new light ready to renew America's policy of arctic drilling and social security privatization. Ever since I gave up scotch and became a Christian, I've learned to cherish good old-fashioned American values, like species eradication and domestic surveillance as God's guiding principles.

That's why I have stocked bags and bags of shiny gold in my Utah compound. And you can too by buying gold today from our sponsors. Sure, you don't get any actual gold for your worthless hyper-inflated green-backs, just paper certificates. But possessing these will let you rest at ease that you and your's are protected by the most solid investment any post-apocalyptic mutant creatures can own for a life-time.

Many of you have followed my struggles with recovery from my recent brain surgery that left me with an agonizing, purulent, atrophic rectum; possible linked to my previous radical liposuction that left me 168 pounds lighter, and renewed my Christian faith in the LDS church. In my suffering I dreamed I exhumed my late grandfather so I could finally tell him how New Deal policies have left my asshole a rancid pudding-encrusted lump of bloody hamburger, and it stuck my like a thunder-clap that I would lead the chosen people to the new land where the mighty hammer of Jesus reigns.

But it might take a short time longer, and after great trials that will test our fate. That's why ever since I gave up being violently fisted by Samoan wrestlers and turned to Christ Our Lord, I stock my bunker with Outhouse Christian steaks and steak products. The juiciest, tender cuts of prime beef shipped with to your home by the people who know meat. Order today!

I think we almost ready for the prophecy to fulfill itself. My friends, as you hunker down in your backyard panic pits, clutching your guns, Bibles, penis pills, Flomax tablets, gold fillings and cri-packed meat, pray that the end comes quickly.